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By: AC


This Saturday SYFY premiered another one of its crazy films. This one was called JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK and Sunday I was able to turn on the DVR and watch the film. Did you really think I was going to waste a Saturday night on JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK? I did the DVR thing because I can skip through the commercials and did not want to spend three hours having to watch this film. As you can tell by my tone already I did not enjoy this film. 

We have become so use to these Saturday night premieres being bad, full of bad CGI and cheesy script. Throw in some familiar faces of actors who have fallen from grace and you have a SyFy flick. JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK tries to ride the wave of the popular MTV reality show and bring in people who are into that show or people who hate that show and hope to see some of them being eaten by sharks. It is not the real cast of the Jersey Shore, although Vinny from the actual MTV show is in it as a news reporter and let’s just say he should stick to partying. 

The basic premise is summer time at the shore and a wealthy business man is trying to make Seaside Heights into the new Hamptons. While they are digging into the ocean floor shock waves are being sent out and that attracts some albino sharks that go on the attack. We also have two groups of kids the snotty Yacht Club kids and of course the Jersey Shore kids. As you can guess the two do not like each other and they are constantly at war. After one of the Jersey Shore friends goes missing the film gets going and by the end of the film the two groups join forces to battle the sharks and save the shore. That is pretty much the plotline. 

How do I even being reviewing the mess. Let us start off with the acting. The acting itself is what you have come to expect from one of these types of film that SyFy plays. Although the acting is not horrible it is not good either. You have to imagine that for the younger cast this is a shot to be in a film and they took it. For the actors portraying the Jersey Shore crew they did a good job acting like those idiots and if they went overboard with their portrayal I can forgive them because those MTV shore people are just dumb. The Yacht Club kids played it straight and what you expect from rich kids. For the veteran actors for the film, they kind of played the same characters they always play in other films, the Italian mob type characters. So the acting wasn’t really what killed the film. This film is full of Italian stereotypes.

What did kill the film was the really bad script, characters you did not care for and one of the worst CGI shark films I have seen, ever. Again the script was just stupid. Okay you have a premise, but the rest is non-sense. There are so many issues with the script of this film that I can probably write a book about them. Just some that come to mind are the ability for the whole Jersey Shore crew being able to go into the police armory and taking every piece of weaponry without anyone saying a word is starters. To commandeer a police vessel to go and rescue a girl is comical. Those are just a few examples, but the worst part of the film and what the film was banking on are the sharks. 

The sharks had to be the worst CGI sharks in SyFy history and that is saying a lot. I can say that because the other shark films on SyFy were meant to be ridiculous, but these sharks were suppose to be normal Albino sharks. Every time I saw one of those sharks swimming on screen I felt like I was watching a bad PC game. The was one shot that they used over, and over again of a above water look at the shark as he swam underwater and it had the same bad shadowy effect, with equally bad ripple effect every time. This happened whenever the shark was about to attack someone in the water. The same goes for the gunfire effect when hitting a shark. It seemed like every time a shark was fired upon, the bullet would hit the shark’s fin and let out this cheesy blood splatter. At the end of the film this must have happened several times and it seemed like the kids were experts at hitting the fin, which somehow drove away the shark or just killed them. Speaking of blood, they even had the nerve not to use real blood instead they used red tint on the film or CGI. But the worst CGI has to go to the sharks when they jump out of the water to devour a victim. The first time this happened was to Joey Fatone of NSync which would have been funny if the shark looked half way real. The other two times it happened it was just stupid. Another CGI mess was the After Effects fire they used in the film. When will they learn that CGI fire doesn’t look like fire? 

As for the directing of the film, I have no clue who directed it and I don’t care to look it up. Anyone could have been placed behind the camera and would have done the same job. I can’t really blame the director for this film when he is given nothing to work with. My friend Slowdeath77 said he was invited to a premiere to this disaster a week prior to the release. Luckily for him he did not, but the fact that they had a special screening for JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK is comical. Imagine all the press people faces when the credits rolled and the SyFy people asking them what they thought of the film, let the bullshitting commence.

I have already spent too much time writing about this film let me sum it up like this. If you are a SyFy fan and can stomach a lot of the crap they put out then you can watch this film with no problems. If you are a horror fan stay away from this film, there are way too many films out there you could be watching instead of this shit.

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Reader Comments (1)

I was just going say you gave this movie more words then it needed... Your SyFy channel reviews should be a weekly occurrence on this site like my gory movie reviews speaking of which I'm due to review another its only been about 6 months since the last

June 12, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterVenom Nemesis

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